So we watched Teen Beach 2 tonight, Riley and I. All was well, normal. Earlier today is when Farkle and I officially decided to move on from our crushes on Riley and Lucas. No, it's not 100% working yet, but I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be. Yes I miss him and would still do anything to fix things between us but I'm strong enough to possibly see myself moving on going into the next year. One year ago, I was stuck in a situation that was the opposite-ish of how it is now. Yes, I still wanted to move on from Lucas but I couldn't. But I didn't wanna move on because he didn't like me. I wanted to move on because I thought we had gone too far. And yes, we did. When January came around, we only went too far maybe two times. I was able to refrain myself from liking him like that by January. And maybe that's what'll be happening again this year, considering now is really the first time in a week that I've actually tried to move on and am not actually pretending to this time. So maybe I'll be able to officially move on ENOUGH to be okay with him hating me like he does. And yeah, I believe he really dislikes me for real now. And maybe that's because he made a really hurtful statement toward me today and claimed to not remember anything that happened on confession night, which I know he does remember, he just doesn't want to admit that he ever lied about liking me. Because we all know he said it. I know it, you know it. Do not lie to my face, especially when I we both know the truth. So I am currently avoiding him at all costs. Not seeing him at all will contribute hugely to moving on. I don't care if he and Riley get all hooked during the episode break containing this damn love triangle. I could care less but I don't care enough to get jealous unless I see it. So, avoiding Lucas will be avoiding them both together which again, will contribute hugely to my moving on plan. Riley and Farkle, well that's another story right about now. I've ultimately convinced Farkle that the two of us are "desperate" toward Lucas and Riley so Farkle has made it his mission to appear as careless as possible, which I can't determine if its true or not, him not caring and all. But I don't care enough to ask. See? I'm really teaching myself not to care much, as you can see. I've been saying "I don't care" a lot today. And honestly, I'm slowly beginning to mean it. Which is part of my goal so that's magnificent for me. Yay. Now Riley's upset that Farkle doesn't seem to give a rip about nothing but according to her, it's not because she likes him, it's because she likes him as a friend. Boom! #Friendzoned. Which would be more important to this story if Farkle cared a bit more. But he doesn't care if she friendzones him or not, so.. Because whether she likes him or not, he friendzoned her too. So that's where they're at.
Riley and I don't seem to be on much of better terms than the rest of us are. After watching the movie, we were to walk to the store to grab something for Mrs Matthews. As soon as we left her apartment, we walked in bitter silence, but still together. And not the good, heart-touching silence, but the awkward bitter silence. When we got out of the building, I walked distantly ahead of her, in the dark, by myself. I could hear her footsteps faintly in the distance but didn't bother to care. I just thought to myself for a bit, walking in the dark silence about a meter or two ahead of her. "I'm not even needed on this trip" I told myself. "I'm just the one walking in the front with no money, maybe I should be in the back" I thought. "I'm Maya Hart, I'm always in the lead, standing tall, in the front, with no money at all" I reminded myself. "any other arragement would be wrong" I decided. When I got to the store, I waited a few seconds for Riley because I didn't know exactly what we were getting. We paid, and as we left the store, I regained my position of walking ahead. That time, I was a lot further ahead than I was on the first walk. I could hardly hear Riley's footsteps under the sound of my own, my feet crunching above the snow. I didn't look back, not once. Looking back is just getting stuck in the past, which is not where I wanted to go, so I didn't. It was addictive, but I still refused to look back for a short second, because that would've hurt my entire future for more than a short second. When we got home, after a few seconds I heard that sweet voice I loved so much, unexpectedly calling my name, I turned to see her bright and beautiful face holding her smartphone in her little over-worked hands, as she showed the screen to my face, she had a picture referencing on of our episodes (my least favourite for the record) comparing to Boy Meets World. All suddenly made sense reguading that scene. Anywho, things have changed but not for the better, but for the worse. Last night, I was determined to fix whatever was going on between us then, so I went to Riley who was grieving over her passed hamster's old cage and I hugged her from behind. She touched my arm for a second before pushing me away, and continuing to talk to Lucas about her hamster. They walked away, not saying a word to me, hurting what was already broken. Farkle took me by the hand and told me I tried, in which I began to sob my eyes out. He didn't talk to me much within that hour before leaving me to sleep alone. I cried for a while until I calmed myself down before going to sleep. Rejection was and still is my biggest fear. I faced it and got hurt like I did when my dad left. The feeling was similar. Which that was the hardest moment of my entire childhood. It shaped who I am, hugely. And especially who I was. Now, I just want everything to be okay. I feel lost and missing something without knowing I have someone I can go to no matter what. My insides panic like you wouldn't believe because I've had that security for years. Now it's gone and I feel unprotected and now that I'm unprotected, something is going to come and hit home hard. Now that I have nowhere to go to, nobody to cry to, I'll really need it for no other reason than that I don't have that anymore. Feeling hurt, the feeling is familiar. But unprotected, this is all new and most definitely feels wronger than wrong. But if I can handle losing my dad, I'll be able to cope with this somehow. It only took me 9 years to stop being angry towards my dad, so I'll be in ship shape 9 years from now. Wish me luck, I need it more than anything in the world right now. Don't forget to check back soon and watch Girl Meets World on Disney Channel.
