I don't understand anything anymore. One minute I just want Riley to be my best friend again and I'd do anything to be back to NORMAL with her (I only over-bold that because her definition of normal is more "Maya's doing everything wrong and we'll be normal if she changes. Like no honey, you're really a problem too. At least I can admit I am.) Anyway, then the next minute I just want Lucas. It's come to the point where I don't even know how I feel anymore. I want the core four back. That I know for sure. I want us all to be beyond loyal to each other and be the best friend group everyone always wished they could be. Nobody wants to be us anymore! Nobody wants to be apart of the crap going on between us! That's exactly the problem. Nobody looks up to us anymore and that crushes me. I had a really hard day today. Riley and I were discussing our crushes last night and I told her what I think. What I see, what I know. I just told her that I don't think she has a chance with this Harry person. She then told me (indirectly) that I have no chance with Lucas. The Lucas part is what was indirect. The whole me having no chance was the least indirect part about it. She literally said "he doesn't like you, he hates you and he will probably never talk to you again." The difference between what I said and what she said is, well I didn't directly comment those nasty thing so straight forwardly, even if I did think it. And two, there's a big difference in knowledge here. She knows Lucas. She knows exactly what's going between me and him and actually probably knows more than I do. Her and Harry? Cmon, she's gonna get defensive over what I have to say about it? God, I know not a thing beyond what she tells me! I don't actually know how he acts! I don't actually know how they are! I haven't once witnessed them communicating! Who am I to believe? Who on earth would take what I have to say for real?! But her, she knows what me and Lucas are and CAN accurately make a judgment on it. And if it's what she says it is, chances are I'm wasting every 11:11, every shooting star and every thought on something that's never gonna happen. I don't know her and Harry, maybe there is a chance. I don't know! She knows me and Lucas, if she says there's no chance, chances are the there's no chance. I just miss them. Both of them. I want our old friendship back with Riley. And even if Lucas never was ever gonna like me back, okay, I can deal with that. I just don't want him ignoring the life out of me anymore! I don't want to lose my friendship with him. I love him too much to be okay with that happening! I can't deal with that. Either way, I'm dead inside. I just want this to end. I'm tired of hating on them, and I'm tired of all the ignoring we do. It's like they don't care. Like they don't even want to fix things between us. Whatever it may be, it hurts real bad.. Because I love them! I do! I care about them a lot and they know it too! I've made it real clear! I'm not ugly, I'm not gross, I'm not an unpopular freak! What's wrong with me? What did I do? I just need to understand what I did. Like, why don't they like me? I care so much, they mean the world to me, I'm not repulsive! What the heck is it?! Is there something seriously wrong with me!? Like, what did I do?! Make me understand what I did.
oof. #mayaissobrocken
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