I've taken the initiative to ACTUALLY recognize the fact that my life will be the way it is. And what I mean by that is, 97% of the time, my life is full of being ignored, broken friendships, neglect, pain and suffering. Most of the time. That's not even the worst part of it. The worst part is, I sit around with this idea in my head that it's someday just going to randomly change and be okay. I actually believed that one day, the way things are was going to change, and for real, for a long time, and it wouldn't just be....temporary. I believed that after an entire month of pain, and waiting on my best friends to randomly build up to the way they used to be and for more than two hours.
Last night was one of the luckiest and most fortunate nights of my life. For they first time since New Years, Lucas and I actually communicated. He was here for Riley and another friend, but when Sarah shoved my phone behind the bed, I reached my arm down to grab it and got stuck. Her and I struggled for a good amount of time to get it out, but it was no use. Lucas came down and tried to help me out, long story short it was Riley who got my arm unstuck, but Lucas made the first effort to confront me. Actually the first time he actually talked to me is when I couldn't find my phone, I thought I lost it and so I grabbed it and used its flashlight to look for it, then Lucas said "Uh, Maya?" like I was missing something. I hadn't heard his voice say my name in so long, I turned around and happily replied "yeah!" as sweetly and inviting as possible. "I think your phone is in your hand" he concluded. "Oh it is! Thanks!" I happily cheered. Then the whole phone getting stuck behind the bed thing happened. We all had watched Girl Meets Texas for the first time but at different times earlier that night, so it was all fresh in our minds. The next thing I knew, Lucas stood in front of me and held my face and looked at me real close just like he did in Texas. I innocently looked into his eyes for a few seconds, then pulled him in real close to me and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back for a few seconds when Riley butted in and asked Lucas what he was doing. Since then, we had a few brief moments when he kept touching me in truth or dare, held me one last time and told me he loved me too when I said "I love you" first. Sure our total time spent together last night must've been like maybe 10 minutes total at the most, but I hadn't talked to him in a month and all I had done within that month was think about the moments like that I wished would've happened between us. We didn't have too many moments, but the small gestures made me bubble up and explode inside of happiness. I loved them and I wasn't even clear-minded. I didn't even think to take advantage of it because the thought that this was all temporary didn't even cross my mind.
So yes, after over a month of feeling helpless and hopeless, Lucas and I had a few butterfly moments. And you'd think that those moments would make me have more hope for myself and actually it told me the opposite. When I woke up this morning, everything was over. Riley talked about our show like we weren't even the girls on the show, which at the very least, I obviously was. It broke my heart when I realized she was ignoring the fact that we were ever the way we were on Girl Meets World and obviously was pretending like that stuff never happened. The day went on and got worse and worse. After experiencing that big momentum with Lucas last night, I watched how fast things went back to the way they were this entire month. It took Riley saying one thing to completely change everything back. It made me realize that after I've waited so long to be with Lucas again, for him to hold me again and tell me everything I've always wanted to hear, things went so high up in glory for maybe 2ish hours. Then it was back. Who was I kidding? It's close to perfection for two hours and then flops right back down to the ground. And there's me for the past month thinking it's going to change. And that wasn't the dumbest thought because last night is proof that it really can change. But I actually moped around waiting for it to change and expected that change wouldn't be temporary. I believed there was a shot at changing back to Girl Meets World in the very least, actually talking to each other, and that would eventually become the way it is 97% of the time, and that fights like this would be rare. What on earth was I thinking?! It's always going to suck most of the time and I have no idea what mind I was in believing that one day it would change my entire life! Well it won't! Season 1 Maya is in my head telling me how stupid hope looks on me. Because it just might make me look the dumbest I have in my entire life. I've grown to accept over the past two hours that there's nothing worth it anymore. I have no reason to keep living like this. I have no reason to get out of bed and be productive. I wake up every morning thinking today is going to be the day everything changes and go to bed thinking it'll be tomorrow! Now that I've opened my eyes I realize how STUPID that was! Like seriously, what the ACTUAL HECK was I thinking?? God, I was so stupid!
So anyway, I've decided that it ain't worth living the next few days on semester break like this. My friends from school and I are getting close again and I think it's worth going back to school and I can cry to them, tell them what's going on and we'll all hug in a big group hug and I'll have at least one reason to get up everyday. But for now, I've decided that I'll only get out of bed and recognize my existence when necessary. Like I have my (I think) last Saturday of babysitting the three-year-old's at church then in February I'm back in my youth group. I'll go to church this weekend (tomorrow) and then I'll go back to listening to music and ignoring my existence of what is my pathetic life. I'm hurting really bad and I know I'm sitting here typing and talking like some know it all but truthfully, I'm crying my eyes out as I write this. I'm Maya, I can't type like a sorry victim, I gotta say what's gotta be said and move on. I have a few people I'd like to address before I go off and make an 100 song playlist I'll be listening to all day everyday for the next 10 days.
I'd like to appreciate one of the most important people who have been there for me this month. Farkle. Farkle has been a good friend to me and supported me and was the only member of the core four to care when I was crying, to actually do something. Farkle would do anything for his friends and that's why he was there for me. He held my hand for hours and promised me it was going to be okay. He made me feel a little bit more loved than I deserved to feel and I love him for it. In the end, Farkle broke because he loved Riley so much and could no longer have her. He and I have been apart for the past week or two because he couldn't handle the pain of seeing Riley everyday and not being able to talk to her. Zay talked to me a bit about it and told me Farkle has social anxiety. He thinks lower of himself and feels he's not worthy to talk to peopl and is too intimidated by everyone, no matter who it is and no longer has the guts to text anyone first. I feel horrible for the kid because unlike December 11th, the day he cried so hard all over me all day, he's kept his distance and hasn't really told many people about having social anxiety and having to talk with a counsellor his parents hired everyday. I am just so blessed that through the first half of this month, Farkle was there for me to lean on and helped me through a whole awful lot. I hope one day Farkle and I can rebuild our friendship and become strong again.
Sarah. She has helped me through the last few days and because I was alone for a few days before she came, I was so relieved to be close to her again. Last year, she was one of the only ones I went to when Lucas beat me, physically or emotionally. She gave me advice everyday and was very concerned for me and cared when I was out of sorts because of Lucas. She helped me with a lot last year and the past few days she's been just as supportive. I thank the world for her and wouldn't have recognized a lot without her being there for me. I already miss her after pushing her away earlier today. I just need to be alone.
One of my best friends at John Quincy Adams Middle School, Valerie. She has been there for me through high and low. We've been friends for less than five months but she was all I had at school for a long time. I would wake up every morning and I'd be hurt, missing Riley or Lucas and I could go to school and she'd know. I came to school looking like an emotional wreck and hugged her the second I saw her. She asked what was wrong and I looked at her and didn't respond. "It's Riley, isn't it?" she asked. She knew. I added that it was also Lucas but I didn't tell her many Lucas stories. She wrapped her arm around me and told me it was going to be okay, just like Sarah and Farkle did. I know when I go back to school, she will be there for comfort me when I tell her all I've been through. I will never doubt her, no matter what. She's a good friend I need to remember to never lose.
This is going to be a hard one. Lucas. I've been madly in love with Lucas since that day we walked out on the lake on ice skates back in December. I've tried to impress him, get him to notice me, and I wanted him to care about me like I cared about him. We grew further apart as time went on. He sided with Riley against me and Farkle and soon enough we never talked, and not talking turned into not seeing each other anymore. Then last night he was there, he held me and told me he loved me and it meant more to me than anything in the world. He may be the reason I can't pour my heart out about how much I miss him on Twitter anymore because I found out he reads my tweets, but whatever. I haven't gone 5 minutes this entire month of January without thinking about him. I've dreamed of imaginary moments in my mind of him holding me tight, and just talking. It was never really the Riarkle romance thing (boys and girls challenge) that I wanted. 99% of missing Lucas was wanting him to do no more then hold me, kiss my head, rub my neck and just talk. I just wanted to cuddle for a minute and talk about anything and everything. I didn't expect much, at least I don't think I did. I just wanted to feel his gentle touch and hear his soft voice telling me all I needed to hear to be happy for a long long time. None of that ever happened. Not this year anyway. Last year, we talked on the phone, he held me, kissed me and comforted me. I don't know how on earth I didn't love all that as much as I should've. I took advantage of it and that is the biggest regret of my life. I just wanted to say how much Lucas matters to me and I'll always miss him, even if I'm done hoping we can work it out.
Now this just might be the hardest one of my entire life. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. My little beautiful angel butterfly, Riley Matthews. This girl was and still is my world. The minute I layes eyes on her I knew I wanted her to be my best friend forever. She got me through thick and then for 8 whole years and I wouldn't be a quarter of who I am today without her. I haven't exactly given he true credit she deserves. I love Riley, I loved her more than I loved Lucas. You could say I was in love with her, in the least weird way possible. I was in love with being her best friend. The way she smiled, the way she walked, talked, the way she did everything gave me butterflies. She made me feel special, like I needed her in this world. And I did. I remember when back in August of 2014, she met Connor and the squad of losers and pervs who sexually and physically assaulted her. She told me the story. Every night she would lay next to me and cry as she told the story. I held her in my arms and comforted her. I did end up confronting those older jerks and long story short, they have a nickname for me now. They called me Blondie. I don't mind because addressing the color of my hair isn't exactly an insult. They hurt Riley and that hurt me more than anything. I loved the moments when I could hold her close to me and reassure her everything would be okay. She would sleep next to me every night and I felt comfortable knowing she was right there next to me. Nobody knows her like I do. Everyone knows my story. They know I've been hurt, they know my family life is tough and my dad left and I'm not the happiest girl in the world. I know Riley like they don't. She is hurt too. She has things nobody else knows and she still acts like the happiest girl alive. She is a bright angel and she's not a dark rebellious little devil like I am, but she's hurt. Like I am. She keeps things inside of her and she is happy. For me, and for her friends. She acts like her world is perfect so she can work on making my world perfect. Like in Rileytown, she didn't want anyone knowing she was hurt because she didn't wanna make it about her. I think you'll discover more of that going into Season 3. I didn't want to address this, but we are going to talk about sexuality in the third season of GMW and there's a lot about Riley online right now and on official people of GMW's pages, it talks a lot about how Riley is likely to be the person involved in that. Verified accounts have tweeted about it and I think in the last the writers have too. Riley isn't exactly the same person on the inside as she is on the outside. I can keep my feelings for Lucas inside for her sake, but she holds in a lot more than just romantic feelings compared to me. Everyone is so worried about me and addressing me as the problematic girl. But as I go away and become inactive for a little bit, please remember that things aren't always as they seem. Don't underestimate Riley, she's got a lot more than just the outside of her. I'll miss her most of all, and that's why I did her last. She even comes after Lucas. And as much as Lucas means to me, I would choose Riley first any day. I miss holding her and being there for her. I miss the way we used to be but that doesn't mean I expect it to change. Please don't forget what I've said. She means the world to me, don't judge a book by its cover..
So that's it for a while now. I'm going to make my 100 song playlist now and rejoice in the only things I still have
left, music and sleep. Sleep is mostly for pretending I'm non-existent because that means I'm not suffering when I'm asleep but it may be temporary. Thank you for reading to the end. Those of you who read my every word, I love you. I do. Thank you for everything and I'll miss you all for a while. Thanks for reading, I cherish every second you have given me! It's not goodbye, just see ya later.
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