Imagination. What is imagination? I mean, come on! It's the title of this post, we might as well discuss what it means because there's no possible way that it may be efficient for this post! Imagination, to me, is a collection of ideas in your mind that create a story. My imagination has a story to tell and I'm guessing the imagination of every person has a story to tell as well. Every story different from the next. No imagination is the same, just as no person is the same. Imagination is the way you think. Nobody thinks the same, not even twins. My imagination in particular is a whole nother world. I'm sure many people feel the same way. My world is about to become something more than just imagination. I don't know what I'm in for just yet, but I think I'm about to find out.
As a child, thinking was never really apart of my world. I mean, what did I have to think about that was important enough to fill my mind? When I was little, nothing was important enough to fill the space on my mind. Last year, seventh grade, I found something worth thinking about. Something worthy enough to fill the empty space in my imagination. Riley had always been something worth thinking about. Except it was never necessary to think about her because I knew everything about her, I was with her almost all the time and I didn't need to. She was almost too good for my imagination, while the rest of the world couldn't ever have been good enough! In seventh grade, we met Lucas. "It all started in the pilot" the writers of Girl Meets World tweeted on Twitter. About the love triangle. It's been a triangle since the pilot. I've liked Lucas since the first episode of Girl Meets World. At that point, I saw him and when I did approach him for the first time, I didn't let him get a word out before I blabbed and didn't stop to take a breath, walked away, then it was Riley's turn. The fact that he just smiled and let me make a complete fool of myself, well that made me think. As much as I felt it was unworthy of my mind, I couldn't stop myself from wondering why he didn't treat me as the typical New York City kid would've. I didn't even know this kid, he most certainly wasn't worthy of being apart of my imagination. But I couldn't stop myself from wondering and that's when I lost control of my emotions for the first time. "Well this can't be a good sign" I thought. And coming from future me, it most certainly wasn't a good sign. Then we got off the subway and I completely forgot about Lucas and moved on with my life. Nothing fills my mind for more than five minutes, everyone who's anyone knows that! Then he's a new kid in our seventh grade history class. That couldn't be a good sign. It was obviously just fate! Not fate. Definitely not fate. There ain't no such thing as fate! At least that's what I've heard. I liked Lucas. But Riley liked Lucas. It was a triange, except it wasn't. Riley told me she liked Lucas, she acted like she liked Lucas, and she treated Lucas like she liked Lucas! I, on the other hand, saw what was going on and sealed my lips. Riley was the only thing worthy, yet too good for, the empty world in my imagination. I couldn't do that to her. Two years passed and I hadn't once opened my mouth. I never spoke of liking Lucas, in fact, I acted as if I despised him. He was from Texas. Much different than New York, it is. I was a city girl and Lucas was a country boy. And because we were in the city I felt I could have the majority and make fun of Lucas for his Texas heritage. Which I did. I made fun of him all the time and he refused to retaliate which made me mad. It was a little game we played, and it hurt nobody, which was good. Two years later, Lucas brought us all to Texas and almost died. I reacted and Riley realized I liked him. She pieced together that that's why I make fun of him, but I don't think she realized how long I've been making fun of him, failing to realize how long I've actually liked him. She told him, and then brother-zoned him. Then he almost kissed me, alone, in the dark, in front of a campfire! Then Farkle, stupid Farkle, told everyone about a month later that Riley still likes Lucas. Things got complexed between us but that brushed off for a while when Riley started liking Farkle.
Actually Riley liked Farkle in seventh grade. Season 1. Let's talk about that. Riley started to like Farkle around August of last year, August 2014. So because it was always the four of us, Riley, Lucas, Farkle and I, the two of them being all hooked up and stuff, left Lucas and I alone together and we eventually did end up clicking a little. And actually the way it was then was kind of the opposite of how it is now. Riley and Farkle were desperate to be together but couldn't be unless Lucas and I approved of it. Which, Lucas did, and he wanted to spend time with me. He did care about me. Maybe like "that" even. Except most of the time, I did not. I refused to return the feelings and if you go back and read my blog posts from a long time ago, you'll see that I rejected the idea of Riarkle and Lucaya many many times. Now this is where it gets IMPORTANT. I always told everyone that the reason I rejected Lucas was because I didn't want it to be that way, because I wanted to be the way we used to be. Which was, Riley and Lucas liked each other, I liked Josh, Riley's 17-year-old uncle, and Farkle worshiped the ground Riley and I walked on. That wasn't the real reason. At all. In fact, it wasn't even close. And that's believable because I kept the secret of liking Lucas for two years. This secret was just another one I kept locked away inside. The reason I rejected Lucas was because I liked him. I liked him so much, I didn't want to take the chances that it would go wrong and we'd ruin our relationship. I liked being able to communicate with him everyday, I liked that we could be in the same room and have a happy heartfelt conversation with each other. If I let him get close to me, I was scared he might hurt me and I'd never be the same. I was smart. But I wasn't because I ended up letting him in time to time. We'd have fun, do the Boys and Girls Challenge (long story) and Lucas treated me like his world. Then after a while of being happy and having a great time, Riley and I got into a huge fight and Lucas took her side. In fact, it was late at night and dark. Lucas hurt me. For real. He punched me, kicked me, scarred me and left me out to cry. Not dry, cry. I told my friend, Sarah, and she hated him. She hated me more for going back when he apologized and then did it again. I remember this particular memory. I don't know why but I do. I remember one night Lucas hurt me and later that night things slowly began to resolve between the four of us. Riley and Farkle were on good terms again and Lucas wanted to get back to me too. I was scared, crying and hurt. He came to me and said my name, sweetly and softy. I didn't answer, but huddled into the wall by the bed. He put his hand on my knee and I flinched. I was scared he was gonna hurt me. "No, it's okay, Maya. I'm not gonna hurt you." he'd tell me. He didn't take his hand off my knee. I slowly brought myself together and reached out and put my hand on his. By the end of the night, we were hugging and cuddling all over agian. I don't know why I remember that particular memory so much, but I do. It was over a year ago. I remember lost general concepts of Season 1 and what went on off-screen with the core four. I remember Riley and Farkle were always a step or two ahead of me and Lucas in our relationship and Lucas and I would always make fun of Riley and Farkle because they were smarter than us. Why was it us making fun of them for being smart instead of them making fun of us for being dumb? Well because they weren't supposed to be smart. Even Lucas and I were too smart when it came to relationships but Farkle and Riley were out of the water. They were inseparable. The two loved each other like there was no end. Riley loved the way Farkle and her did the things they did and she'd always try and explain to me how pain doesn't always hurt. I was dumb, I was behind and understood nothing of it. And I was okay with being behind, actually I liked it that way. I loved the way it was. With all of us. It was nothing short of perfect. But I didn't see it that way. I saw it as abusive and constant hurting. I don't know what I was thinking because looking back on it, it was great! I would never ask for any more than that again in my entire life. I thought I had it so bad last year in Season 1, but boy, I had no idea that it most certainly COULD get worse. And oh boy, did it ever.
And that brings us to present day! Season 2, today. Oh boy. About a month ago, Riley brought me and the entire family ice skating on the lake. It was beautiful. Then she told me she invited Lucas and Farkle. Not much other than on-screen things had happened since then. Farkle and Lucas had pretty much what I'd call a fresh start with us. Riley liked Farkle still, and I knew that from the moment she told me she invited them. We had a good time skating and well, almost got killed by a gang of serial quadders but that's okay, they weren't trying to hurt us after all. They just thought it was a nice joke to surround us with five quads to scare us. They actually gave Auggie and Mr. Matthews a ride on the quad. Since then, things have slowly been unprogressing, you could say if that's even a real English word. It's been getting worse and worse. Riley likes someone else now and that crushed Farkle's heart. Lucas teamed up with her and for days it was Riley and Lucas vs Farkle and I. We've tried to work that stuff out, even Eric couldn't help us through it. He made it worse, actually. This isn't just a fight anymore. We've all been drifting apart. Except for me. I've always kept the most loveable place in my heart for Riley and Lucas. I haven't spoken sincerely to either of them in about a month. According to Zay, Farkle's built up social anxiety because of losing Riley as a "soulmate" and Lucas as his best friend. And me, well I've been a lot worse than people have been succeeding to realize. I'm madly in love with Lucas right now. If he even were to be in the same room as me right now I'd die. The smallest gesture in the world from him would mean the world to me. I'd probably smile the entire day unless something came up and made things worse, which happens a lot actually. I miss Lucas like crazy and Riley too. Riley isn't even Riley anymore! She's a completely different person and the care she has for me is about as real as Donald Trump's chances at election. I miss them both and love them both and losing them hurts like you wouldn't believe! I've actually been thinking suicidally for quite some time now. And I'm not even kidding either. I was worried about what I'd be missing, what would happen with Girl Meets World and how Riley and them would live in a world without me and it concerned me. I feel like I need to be here to make sure things happen the right way. Then I realized it will never affect me! I'll be dead, I will not care! But I just can't leave Girl Meets World behind in a world with them! They would be letting go of the show completely if I wasn't here to hold it up. It would be gone, guaranteed. We'd all be gone. But I keep thinking I'll regret killing myself then realize I'll be too dead to regret anything. Trust me, I'm in WAY more pain than you think I am. If I was making someone else feel this bad, or had the power to change the way they feel, I would reach out to them immediately even if I had nothing in it for me and I'm dead serious about this because it hurts so bad that the smallest gesture would keep me happy for a few days! It would take maybe five minutes and make me happy for five days! I'm literally scared I'm going to kill myself. I'm thinking maybe taking multiple advils will kill me before I go to sleep but I'm refraining myself from looking it up, I'm scared that if it turns out if CAN kill me that I might actually do it! That's why I'm not looking it up because it's not painful and Advil is available to me and I could actually pull this off. So I'm not looking it up in case it really can kill me. I'm hurting like you wouldn't believe, I just want the last few hours of the day after school to be the way it used to be. I don't want Riley to talk to me at all unless she's gonna be decently normal. She's talked to me nicely today but it was so abnormal I couldn't cope with it and began hating her with my entire heart! I just want things to be the way they were. I want to at least talk to Lucas again even if we can't be like "that" anymore. I want normal Riley back, I wanna be the best supporting and loyal best friend I used to be. I miss them too much to describe. I miss the four of us being together and I just want Season 1 off-screen back. Or at least on-screen! Anything on-screen would be okay with me! Just not Season 2 off-screen because that's the way it is now and I hate it, I hate it so much! I just want this suffering to end, by death, change, anything. I just don't want it to be this way. Whatever it takes. I'm not bluffing at all. Not one bit.
So that's what my imagination is filled with now. I always imagine fake moments in my mind. What would it be like if Lucas actually confronted me? What would it be like if Riley were to be normal again? What would it be like if [this] happened right now? My mind is a world where Lucas loves me, Riarkle is Season 1 in-love again and we're all loyal as hell to each other again. Best friends. The core four. The only reason I haven't fully committed to suicide is because I still have hope. I met this guy named Shawn who gave me this thing called hope and because of that, I'm hoping that one day, things will change to the way they are in my imagination. If I knew for sure that would never happen, I just might lean on the killing myself idea. But until I know for sure, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll cut, I'll think about killing myself but still have hope that one day, for real, someone will answer "yes" for real when I ask if things are gonna get better now. Like Lucas a answered yes to that question in December and look where we are now. Guess things werent gonna get better after all. Well, I'm waiting and I guess I'll try again. Besides, what could go wrong?
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