Never Happen Again

Welcome back to The 99 Problems of Maya Hart! It's my first time back in a while and I'm betting you think that means that I'm all better now. Wrong! I have never been worse. And you lucky honey nuggets get to find out why. Yay you. (Not really).

Riley and me, not talking. Surprised? No, me neither. Riley and Farkle, also not talking. Suprised? Me neither! Man, you're good at this game. Last night. Now this is a story worth telling. Farkle and I are as usual, in our normal bed, talking about Riley, Lucas and the goddamn heartbreak these losers have caused us. We were talking about when back in December, Farkle still was madly in love with Riley (he isn't now, who on earth could love her? Especially if they knew what she does to some people. I'm some people) and didn't wanna support her with her crush, which at the time, was Lucas. Farkle loved Riley and knew I loved Lucas, therefore didn't support her and Lucas and supported me and Lucas because it didn't get in the way of Riarkle. In December, Riley DMed Farkle on Twitter and said she just wanted him to support her in her crush on Lucas and that he was always the one she could go to about that. It was Girl Meets World times ten thousand. She basically begged him for their episodes relationship. Last night Farkle showed me that DM and explained to me how much he regretted not taking that. He was literally being HANDED exactly what he wants now and denied it like a friggin idiot. The next thing I heard was someone else's voice calling Farkle's name and it wasn't me, obviously wasn't him, and I realized quickly it was Riley. Farkle acted as if everything were normal between them and answered "yeah?" all normally. She then told him that she wants their episodes relationship back by telling him to support her again. She came and joined us and began talking and asking Farkle's support about someone else she liked. Now the reason a while back he didn't support her is because he liked her, but mostly because her and Lucas being together hurt me more than it would've hurt Riley if she weren't with him. Now get a load of this. Riley started to tell us that she likes someone else now, not Harry or Lucas. I was sick of hearing about Harry and there's a chance I might still get defensive if it were Lucas so I was glad to hear it was someone new. Nobody I liked and wasn't going to replace Farkle this time. Farkle. Wasn't going to replace FARKLE. So anywho, she said she slightly liked this person as a crush but mostly she liked them as a friend. Sounded somewhat familiar to me. She started talking about this "guy" but refused to tell us who it was. She gave us several hints that Farkle got nothing out of. She kept calling the person by "they" instead of "he" which was weird and it pondered around in my mind for quite some time. Farkle then read my mind, oddly enough and asked Riley why she was saying "they" instead of "he." She said for some people it comes naturally to call them by "they" instead of the gender specific title and said her other crush she only likes 3% because of a dream, Kyle, she said she calls him by "they" and Harry by "he" and it just works that way for certain people. It doesn't. She doesn't refer to Kyle as "they" for one, and nobody calls a single person by "they" unless they have a good reason, for two. Oh and she had a reason alright. I knew it, and wanted to see if Farkle would catch on. He did not. Friggin idiot. So I decided to say something. If I'm gonna tell you who I believed it was, I'm gonna tell you their backstory first. Riley has this friend who is a girl who she's been fighting with for quite some time now. Before that, she called this girl her best friend, I believed because she was trying to make me mad. That's why I thought she was calling this chic her best friend. To make me jealous and mad. Well it did that, but it's much deeper than that. Anyway, her and this chic who actually was a little cunt to me and indirectly said Riley was better than me thinking I couldn't hear her, possibly. She may have meant for me to hear it, I don't know. But that's not important so I'm moving on. Haven't forgiven her, but whatever. So her and Riley have been fighting as well as me and Riley so I didn't talk to Riley, and didn't know much about the fight between these two. One night, Mrs Matthews was angry and forced us to make our own dinner. Riley spoke to us nicely and we all agreed to make dinner together. She was being rather nice to me, Farkle and Smackle were there too. Farkle was telling me it was a trap and she was so fake but I was too relieved to be talking to her again, I didn't care what Farkle had to say about it. I didn't care that she was using me as a matter of fact. Because she was. She definitely was. She used me to talk about her problems. So anyway, later that night she told me about the fight between the two and filled me in on everything I didn't wanna hear, if we're being honest here. So she told me that Riley herself was the one to start the fight between the two of them. She said she might apologize to her. She said no matter how much she hates that girl, she still wanted her to like her for some unknown reason. Or is it? I think I know the reason.. So by the end of the night, I cried, Riley made me cry, what else is new? She's made me cry over 10 times legitimately, over the last week. The next morning she apologized to me on an unrelated note. So now that you know this girl's history, getting back to the last night story now. I decided to say something because Farkle wasn't catching on. "Kim" I said. "Is it Kim?" I asked. She got all defensive and yelled at me. "Even if it is, so what?! Who cares? Whether it is or isn't, it doesn't matter!" she defended. And that's when I knew.

Here are the hints she gave us:

1. They had 2 a's in their first and last name combined.

2. Farkle and I apparently knew their middle name.

3. Including their middle name, their full name had 4 a's in it.

4. They are not white, but not black.

5. Not in Riley's homeroom class.

Those are the ones I can remember. Now let me add this up here. Kim's full name is Kim Alysha Cayago. Between her first and last name, Kim Cayago, there are two a's. That fits hint one. Farkle and I were well aware of her middle name. Fits hint two. Her full name, Kim Alysha Cayago, has 4 a's in it. Fits hint three. Not white or black. She's from the Philippines. Fits hint four. She's not in Riley's homeroom class. Fits hint five. Currently, I have five reasons to believe it's her. Now I'm not done here. The fact that Riley referred to her as "they" instead of "him" was rather odd and would only make sense if she were referring to a girl. Because let's be honest, nobody's buying the whole she just does that when talking about certain people. That's the lamest and dumbest, clearly not thought out excuse I've ever heard. So the only logical explanation is she wasn't referring to a guy at all, and it clearly wasn't an alien so that also proves my theory. Let's go back to the day she told me everything that happened between them. She said even though she hates Kim, she wanted her to like her. It's not at all like Regina and Cady from Mean Girls because Cady wasn't hiding a secret "crush/desperate friend" thing from Regina. So the fact that she wanted her to like her also proves my theory. Because if Riley thought of her as an average friend, she wouldn't care if she liked her while they were fighting. I'm actually in a fight with a friend from school right now and I don't want that girl to like me. I did when we weren't fighting, but we are now so I don't like her, I don't want her to like me. Duh. So, point proven. I have like almost ten reasons to believe what I believe. Farkle told me we don't know for sure who it is. How much evidence do I have to believe it isn't Kim? Zero. That's right, I said zero. None! None at all! I have not one reason to believe it isn't! I was telling Farkle this earlier: say if someone was guessing your crush and they guessed a random person that isn't actually it. If it isn't actually that person you would fight HARD to make sure nobody thinks it is. Say if Farkle liked let's just say Sarah. If someone guessed his crush as let's say, Jessica. If someone asked him if it was Jessica, and he said no, and they said "I know it actually is Jessica" Farkle would freak out and say "no no no! I swear it actually isn't! Please believe me, it's actually not!" or something along those lines. He wouldn't say "whether it is or isn't, it doesn't matter" because if it actually isn't that person nobody would say "whether it is" boom! That's it. "Whether it is." If you don't like them you would never include those words! It's common sense! It's human nature! Just like if someone guessed your crush wrong you would freak out and make sure they know it's not that person! And back to what I said a bit earlier, Riley said "whether it is or isn't Kim, who cares!?" proves once again, I am right about it being her. Now I have legitimately about eight reasons to believe it's Kim. No reasons to believe it's not. 

I have to admit something I never thought I'd ever admit to anyone. I cried last night when I became sure it was Kim and I couldn't stop crying. Farkle was confused because he didn't know what I'm about to tell you. He dragged me into the bathroom and asked me what the hell is going on. I told him. The way Riley feels about "Kim" is exactly how I feel about her. I thought it was a boy, a crush. I support Riley's love life with Lucas, Harry and all her crushes to the end. Episodes me did and I would now too. I supported her with Harry (we were fighting most of the time she liked him but I wasn't against the relationship) and I supported her with Kyle. Kim isn't a guy! She wouldn't be replacing Farkle. FARKLE! She would be replacing me. That's why I cared so much that it was Kim. That's why I wanted to know it wasn't. Because I was at peace when I believed she was just shoving Kim's name in my face to make me mad or jealous or whatever. I was at peace when she liked a guy. I was at peace when she loved me as her best friend. Now I'm not at peace. Unless I know for sure that it's not Kim, I will not be at peace. I need to know to feel at peace. I'm not at peace. I love Riley no matter how much I hate her. I want her to like me and I wanted us to be us again. I wanted to sleep next to her at our sleepovers and I wanted to be her first friendship priority again. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish she'd like Harry again. Even Lucas would do! Just not stupid Kim.. Anyone else, any guy! I know I sound desperate but if you were glued to someone for 8 years and they always had your back that entire time then replaced you with the first available friend, you'd be desperate too. Don't you dare judge me. Another reason I'm right just came to mind. Farkle and Smackle were forcing me to tell them who I "like" one night and I said I didn't want to. I usually tell Farkle everything. I said I didn't want him to judge me. Keep that word in mind. He asked why it was different than me liking Lucas or Josh. Because I didn't think it was a "crush" and I wasn't sure what it was, actually. I told him I didn't want him to judge me, which is odd because Farkle would never judge me and has never given me a reason not to trust that he won't. But I never felt that much love for a girl before. If I loved someone that much, it was a guy, a crush. Not a girl. It's not me though, it's Riley. I'm not bisexual or whatever. I'm not. Girls in general aren't attractive in my eyes. It's just Riley. And I don't even think I mean it like that. I wouldn't want to do the whole thing me and Lucas or her and Farkle did last year. That would be weird. That's too crush-ish. That's not what it is. I wouldn't wanna do that with Riley. Like ever. That's disgusting. It's not that I wouldn't wanna sleep next to her, because I have before, it's just that I would never do that with her. That's a boy-girl thing. I don't know what it is, but it might be the whole best friends thing because I know it's more than the average friend. I cannot believe I'm actually admitting this out loud. I never thought I would. I told Farkle last night though. Once one person knows, I don't see the point in hiding it from anyone anymore, especially because you never really know who they've told. My point is, I see Riley the way she sees "Kim" and that's why it hurt so bad.

So I still believe it's Kim and will until I have proof it isn't. I'm still upset by it and now you know why. I was right about something for once. That'll never happen again.. Wow. Thanks for reading and I hope you all have a good night. Watch Girl Meets World on Disney Channel. New episode February 12th. 

Temporary

Hey.. It's Maya, and I just have a few important things to say before I...well, I don't know what to call it but I don't think I will be writing on The 99 Problems of Maya Hart for a long time now. It's not goodbye forever, but I guess I can say, see ya later, at the least.

I've taken the initiative to ACTUALLY recognize the fact that my life will be the way it is. And what I mean by that is, 97% of the time, my life is full of being ignored, broken friendships, neglect, pain and suffering. Most of the time. That's not even the worst part of it. The worst part is, I sit around with this idea in my head that it's someday just going to randomly change and be okay. I actually believed that one day, the way things are was going to change, and for real, for a long time, and it wouldn't just be....temporary. I believed that after an entire month of pain, and waiting on my best friends to randomly build up to the way they used to be and for more than two hours. 

Last night was one of the luckiest and most fortunate nights of my life. For they first time since New Years, Lucas and I actually communicated. He was here for Riley and another friend, but when Sarah shoved my phone behind the bed, I reached my arm down to grab it and got stuck. Her and I struggled for a good amount of time to get it out, but it was no use. Lucas came down and tried to help me out, long story short it was Riley who got my arm unstuck, but Lucas made the first effort to confront me. Actually the first time he actually talked to me is when I couldn't find my phone, I thought I lost it and so I grabbed it and used its flashlight to look for it, then Lucas said "Uh, Maya?" like I was missing something. I hadn't heard his voice say my name in so long, I turned around and happily replied "yeah!" as sweetly and inviting as possible. "I think your phone is in your hand" he concluded. "Oh it is! Thanks!" I happily cheered. Then the whole phone getting stuck behind the bed thing happened. We all had watched Girl Meets Texas for the first time but at different times earlier that night, so it was all fresh in our minds. The next thing I knew, Lucas stood in front of me and held my face and looked at me real close just like he did in Texas. I innocently looked into his eyes for a few seconds, then pulled him in real close to me and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back for a few seconds when Riley butted in and asked Lucas what he was doing. Since then, we had a few brief moments when he kept touching me in truth or dare, held me one last time and told me he loved me too when I said "I love you" first. Sure our total time spent together last night must've been like maybe 10 minutes total at the most, but I hadn't talked to him in a month and all I had done within that month was think about the moments like that I wished would've happened between us. We didn't have too many moments, but the small gestures made me bubble up and explode inside of happiness. I loved them and I wasn't even clear-minded. I didn't even think to take advantage of it because the thought that this was all temporary didn't even cross my mind.

So yes, after over a month of feeling helpless and hopeless, Lucas and I had a few butterfly moments. And you'd think that those moments would make me have more hope for myself and actually it told me the opposite. When I woke up this morning, everything was over. Riley talked about our show like we weren't even the girls on the show, which at the very least, I obviously was. It broke my heart when I realized she was ignoring the fact that we were ever the way we were on Girl Meets World and obviously was pretending like that stuff never happened. The day went on and got worse and worse. After experiencing that big momentum with Lucas last night, I watched how fast things went back to the way they were this entire month. It took Riley saying one thing to completely change everything back. It made me realize that after I've waited so long to be with Lucas again, for him to hold me again and tell me everything I've always wanted to hear, things went so high up in glory for maybe 2ish hours. Then it was back. Who was I kidding? It's close to perfection for two hours and then flops right back down to the ground. And there's me for the past month thinking it's going to change. And that wasn't the dumbest thought because last night is proof that it really can change. But I actually moped around waiting for it to change and expected that change wouldn't be temporary. I believed there was a shot at changing back to Girl Meets World in the very least, actually talking to each other, and that would eventually become the way it is 97% of the time, and that fights like this would be  rare. What on earth was I thinking?! It's always going to suck most of the time and I have no idea what mind I was in believing that one day it would change my entire life! Well it won't! Season 1 Maya is in my head telling me how stupid hope looks on me. Because it just might make me look the dumbest I have in my entire life. I've grown to accept over the past two hours that there's nothing worth it anymore. I have no reason to keep living like this. I have no reason to get out of bed and be productive. I wake up every morning thinking today is going to be the day everything changes and go to bed thinking it'll be tomorrow! Now that I've opened my eyes I realize how STUPID that was! Like seriously, what the ACTUAL HECK was I thinking?? God, I was so stupid! 

So anyway, I've decided that it ain't worth living the next few days on semester break like this. My friends from school and I are getting close again and  I think it's worth going back to school and I can cry to them, tell them what's going on and we'll all hug in a big group hug and I'll have at least one reason to get up everyday. But for now, I've decided that I'll only get out of bed and recognize my existence when necessary. Like I have my (I think) last Saturday of babysitting the three-year-old's at church then in February I'm back in my youth group. I'll go to church this weekend (tomorrow) and then I'll go back to listening to music and ignoring my existence of what is my pathetic life. I'm hurting really bad and I know I'm sitting here typing and talking like some know it all but truthfully, I'm crying my eyes out as I write this. I'm Maya, I can't type like a sorry victim, I gotta say what's gotta be said and move on. I have a few people I'd like to address before I go off and make an 100 song playlist I'll be listening to all day everyday for the next 10 days. 

I'd like to appreciate one of the most important people who have been there for me this month. Farkle. Farkle has been a good friend to me and supported me and was the only member of the core four to care when I was crying, to actually do something. Farkle would do anything for his friends and that's why he was there for me. He held my hand for hours and promised me it was going to be okay. He made me feel a little bit more loved than I deserved to feel and I love him for it. In the end, Farkle broke because he loved Riley so much and could no longer have her. He and I have been apart for the past week or two because he couldn't handle the pain of seeing Riley everyday and not being able to talk to her. Zay talked to me a bit about it and told me Farkle has social anxiety. He thinks lower of himself and feels he's not worthy to talk to peopl and is too intimidated by everyone, no matter who it is and no longer has the guts to text anyone first. I feel horrible for the kid because unlike December 11th, the day he cried so hard all over me all day, he's kept his distance and hasn't really told many people about having social anxiety and having to talk with a counsellor his parents hired everyday. I am just so blessed that through the first half of this month, Farkle was there for me to lean on and helped me through a whole awful lot. I hope one day Farkle and I can rebuild our friendship and become strong again.

Sarah. She has helped me through the last few days and because I was alone for a few days before she came, I was so relieved to be close to her again. Last year, she was one of the only ones I went to when Lucas beat me, physically or emotionally. She gave me advice everyday and was very concerned for me and cared when I was out of sorts because of Lucas. She helped me with a lot last year and the past few days she's been just as supportive. I thank the world for her and wouldn't have recognized a lot without her being there for me. I already miss her after pushing her away earlier today. I just need to be alone.

One of my best friends at John Quincy Adams Middle School, Valerie. She has been there for me through high and low. We've been friends for less than five months but she was all I had at school for a long time. I would wake up every morning and I'd be hurt, missing Riley or Lucas and I could go to school and she'd know. I came to school looking like an emotional wreck and hugged her the second I saw her. She asked what was wrong and I looked at her and didn't respond. "It's Riley, isn't it?" she asked. She knew. I added that it was also Lucas but I didn't tell her many Lucas stories. She wrapped her arm around me and told me it was going to be okay, just like Sarah and Farkle did. I know when I go back to school, she will be there for comfort me when I tell her all I've been through. I will never doubt her, no matter what. She's a good friend I need to remember to never lose.

This is going to be a hard one. Lucas. I've been madly in love with Lucas since that day we walked out on the lake on ice skates back in December. I've tried to impress him, get him to notice me, and I wanted him to care about me like I cared about him. We grew further apart as time went on. He sided with Riley against me and Farkle and soon enough we never talked, and not talking turned into not seeing each other anymore. Then last night he was there, he held me and told me he loved me and it meant more to me than anything in the world. He may be the reason I can't pour my heart out about how much I miss him on Twitter anymore because I found out he reads my tweets, but whatever. I haven't gone 5 minutes this entire month of January without thinking about him. I've  dreamed of imaginary moments in my mind of him holding me tight, and just talking. It was never really the Riarkle romance thing (boys and girls challenge) that I wanted. 99% of missing Lucas was wanting him to do no more then hold me, kiss my head, rub my neck and just talk. I just wanted to cuddle for a minute and talk about anything and everything. I didn't expect much, at least I don't think I did. I just wanted to feel his gentle touch and hear his soft voice telling me all I needed to hear to be happy for a long long time. None of that ever happened. Not this year anyway. Last year, we talked on the phone, he held me, kissed me and comforted me. I don't know how on earth I didn't love all that as much as I should've. I took advantage of it and that is the biggest regret of my life. I just wanted to say how much Lucas matters to me and I'll always miss him, even if I'm  done hoping we can work it out.

Now this just might be the hardest one of my entire life. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. My little beautiful angel butterfly, Riley Matthews. This girl was and still is my world. The minute I layes eyes on her I knew I wanted her to be my best friend forever. She got me through thick and then for 8 whole years and I wouldn't be a quarter of who I am today without her. I haven't exactly given he true credit she deserves. I love Riley, I loved her more than I loved Lucas. You could say I was in love with her, in the least weird way possible. I was in love with being her best friend. The way she smiled, the way she walked, talked, the way she did everything gave me butterflies. She made me feel special, like I needed her in this world. And I did. I remember when back in August of 2014, she met Connor and the squad of losers and pervs who sexually and physically assaulted her. She told me the story. Every night she would lay next to me and cry as she told the story. I held her in my arms and comforted her. I did end up confronting those older jerks and long story short, they have a nickname for me now. They called me Blondie. I don't mind because addressing the color of my hair isn't exactly an insult. They hurt Riley and that hurt me more than anything. I loved the moments when I could hold her close to me and reassure her everything would be okay. She would sleep next to me every night and I felt comfortable knowing she was right there next to me. Nobody knows her like I do. Everyone knows my story. They know I've been hurt, they know my family life is tough and my dad left and I'm not the happiest girl in the world. I know Riley like they don't. She is hurt too. She has things nobody else knows and she still acts like the happiest girl alive. She is a bright angel and she's not a dark rebellious little devil like I am, but she's hurt. Like I am. She keeps things inside of her and she is happy. For me, and for her friends. She acts like her world is perfect so she can work on making my world perfect. Like in Rileytown, she didn't want anyone knowing she was hurt because she didn't wanna make it about her. I think you'll discover more of that going into Season 3. I didn't want to address this, but we are going to talk about sexuality in the third season of GMW and there's a lot about Riley online right now and on official people of GMW's pages, it talks a lot about how Riley is likely to be the person involved in that. Verified accounts have tweeted about it and I think in the last the writers have too. Riley isn't exactly the same person on the inside as she is on the outside. I can keep my feelings for Lucas inside for her sake, but she holds in a lot more than just romantic feelings compared to me. Everyone is so worried about me and addressing me as the problematic girl. But as I go away and become inactive for a little bit, please remember that things aren't always as they seem. Don't underestimate Riley, she's got a lot more than just the outside of her. I'll miss her most of all, and that's why I did her last. She even comes after Lucas. And as much as Lucas means to me, I would choose Riley first any day. I miss holding her and being there for her. I miss the way we used to be but that doesn't mean I expect it to change. Please don't forget what I've said. She means the world to me, don't judge a book by its cover..

So that's it for a while now. I'm going to make my 100 song playlist now and rejoice in the only things I still have 

left, music and sleep. Sleep is mostly for pretending I'm non-existent because that means I'm not suffering when I'm asleep but it may be temporary. Thank you for reading to the end. Those of you who read my every word, I love you. I do. Thank you for everything and I'll miss you all for a while. Thanks for reading, I cherish every second you have given me! It's not goodbye, just see ya later. 

Imagination

Welcome all, to the wonderful problems of Maya Hart! All 99+ on this here blog! Sorry, just thought I'd do a fun intro. This post will be important. It'll be everything. What everybody knows, what nobody knows. It just might be the most important post on this entire blog. Just wait, you'll see. It's coming..

Imagination. What is imagination? I mean, come on! It's the title of this post, we might as well discuss what it means because there's no possible way that it may be efficient for this post! Imagination, to me, is a collection of ideas in your mind that create a story. My imagination has a story to tell and I'm guessing the imagination of every person has a story to tell as well. Every story different from the next. No imagination is the same, just as no person is the same. Imagination is the way you think. Nobody thinks the same, not even twins. My imagination in particular is a whole nother world. I'm sure many people feel the same way. My world is about to become something more than just imagination. I don't know what I'm in for just yet, but I think I'm about to find out.

As a child, thinking was never really apart of my world. I mean, what did I have to think about that was important enough to fill my mind? When I was little, nothing was important enough to fill the space on my mind. Last year, seventh grade, I found something worth thinking about. Something worthy enough to fill the empty space in my imagination. Riley had always been something worth thinking about. Except it was never necessary to think about her because I knew everything about her, I was with her almost all the time and I didn't need to. She was almost too good for my imagination, while the rest of the world couldn't ever have been good enough! In seventh grade, we met Lucas. "It all started in the pilot" the writers of Girl Meets World tweeted on Twitter. About the love triangle. It's been a triangle since the pilot. I've liked Lucas since the first episode of Girl Meets World. At that point, I saw him and when I did approach him for the first time, I didn't let him get a word out before I blabbed and didn't stop to take a breath, walked away, then it was Riley's turn. The fact that he just smiled and let me make a complete fool of myself, well that made me think. As much as I felt it was unworthy of my mind, I couldn't stop myself from wondering why he didn't treat me as the typical New York City kid would've. I didn't even know this kid, he most certainly wasn't worthy of being apart of my imagination. But I couldn't stop myself from wondering and that's when I lost control of my emotions for the first time. "Well this can't be a good sign" I thought. And coming from future me, it most certainly wasn't a good sign. Then we got off the subway and I completely forgot about Lucas and moved on with my life. Nothing fills my mind for more than five minutes, everyone who's anyone knows that! Then he's a new kid in our seventh grade history class. That couldn't be a good sign. It was obviously just fate! Not fate. Definitely not fate. There ain't no such thing as fate! At least that's what I've heard. I liked Lucas. But Riley liked Lucas. It was a triange, except it wasn't. Riley told me she liked Lucas, she acted like she liked Lucas, and she treated Lucas like she liked Lucas! I, on the other hand, saw what was going on and sealed my lips. Riley was the only thing worthy, yet too good for, the empty world in my imagination. I couldn't do that to her. Two years passed and I hadn't once opened my mouth. I never spoke of liking Lucas, in fact, I acted as if I despised him. He was from Texas. Much different than New York, it is. I was a city girl and Lucas was a country boy. And because we were in the city I felt I could have the majority and make fun of Lucas for his Texas heritage. Which I did. I made fun of him all the time and he refused to retaliate which made me mad. It was a little game we played, and it hurt nobody, which was good. Two years later, Lucas brought us all to Texas and almost died. I reacted and Riley realized I liked him. She pieced together that that's why I make fun of him, but I don't think she realized how long I've been making fun of him, failing to realize how long I've actually liked him. She told him, and then brother-zoned him. Then he almost kissed me, alone, in the dark, in front of a campfire! Then Farkle, stupid Farkle, told everyone about a month later that Riley still likes Lucas. Things got complexed between us but that brushed off for a while when Riley started liking Farkle. 

Actually Riley liked Farkle in seventh grade. Season 1. Let's talk about that. Riley started to like Farkle around August of last year, August 2014. So because it was always the four of us, Riley, Lucas, Farkle and I, the two of them being all hooked up and stuff, left Lucas and I alone together and we eventually did end up clicking a little. And actually the way it was then was kind of the opposite of how it is now. Riley and Farkle were desperate to be together but couldn't be unless Lucas and I approved of it. Which, Lucas did, and he wanted to spend time with me. He did care about me. Maybe like "that" even. Except most of the time, I did not. I refused to return the feelings and if you go back and read my blog posts from a long time ago, you'll see that I rejected the idea of Riarkle and Lucaya many many times. Now this is where it gets IMPORTANT. I always told everyone that the reason I rejected Lucas was because I didn't want it to be that way, because I wanted to be the way we used to be. Which was, Riley and Lucas liked each other, I liked Josh, Riley's 17-year-old uncle, and Farkle worshiped the ground Riley and I walked on. That wasn't the real reason. At all. In fact, it wasn't even close. And that's believable because I kept the secret of liking Lucas for two years. This secret was just another one I kept locked away inside. The reason I rejected Lucas was because I liked him. I liked him so much, I didn't want to take the chances that it would go wrong and we'd ruin our relationship. I liked being able to communicate with him everyday, I liked that we could be in the same room and have a happy heartfelt conversation with each other. If I let him get close to me, I was scared he might hurt me and I'd never be the same. I was smart. But I wasn't because I ended up letting him in time to time. We'd have fun, do the Boys and Girls Challenge (long story) and Lucas treated me like his world. Then after a while of being happy and having a great time, Riley and I got into a huge fight and Lucas took her side. In fact, it was late at night and dark. Lucas hurt me. For real. He punched me, kicked me, scarred me and left me out to cry. Not dry, cry. I told my friend, Sarah, and she hated him. She hated me more for going back when he apologized and then did it again. I remember this particular memory. I don't know why but I do. I remember one night Lucas hurt me and later that night things slowly began to resolve between the four of us. Riley and Farkle were on good terms again and Lucas wanted to get back to me too. I was scared, crying and hurt. He came to me and said my name, sweetly and softy. I didn't answer, but huddled into the wall by the bed. He put his hand on my knee and I flinched. I was scared he was gonna hurt me. "No, it's okay, Maya. I'm not gonna hurt you." he'd tell me. He didn't take his hand off my knee. I slowly brought myself together and reached out and put my hand on his. By the end of the night, we were hugging and cuddling all over agian. I don't know why I remember that particular memory so much, but I do. It was over a year ago. I remember lost general concepts of Season 1 and what went on off-screen with the core four. I remember Riley and Farkle were always a step or two ahead of me and Lucas in our relationship and Lucas and I would always make fun of Riley and Farkle because they were smarter than us. Why was it us making fun of them for being smart instead of them making fun of us for being dumb? Well because they weren't supposed to be smart. Even Lucas and I were too smart when it came to relationships but Farkle and Riley were out of the water. They were inseparable. The two loved each other like there was no end. Riley loved the way Farkle and her did the things they did and she'd always try and explain to me how pain doesn't always hurt. I was dumb, I was behind and understood nothing of it. And I was okay with being behind, actually I liked it that way. I loved the way it was. With all of us. It was nothing short of perfect. But I didn't see it that way. I saw it as abusive and constant hurting. I don't know what I was thinking because looking back on it, it was great! I would never ask for any more than that again in my entire life. I thought I had it so bad last year in Season 1, but boy, I had no idea that it most certainly COULD get worse. And oh boy, did it ever.

And that brings us to present day! Season 2, today. Oh boy. About a month ago, Riley brought me and the entire family ice skating on the lake. It was beautiful. Then she told me she invited Lucas and Farkle. Not much other than on-screen things had happened since then. Farkle and Lucas had pretty much what I'd call a fresh start with us. Riley liked Farkle still, and I knew that from the moment she told me she invited them. We had a good time skating and well, almost got killed by a gang of serial quadders but that's okay, they weren't trying to hurt us after all. They just thought it was a nice joke to surround us with five quads to scare us. They actually gave Auggie and Mr. Matthews a ride on the quad. Since then, things have slowly been unprogressing, you could say if that's even a real English word. It's been getting worse and worse. Riley likes someone else now and that crushed Farkle's heart. Lucas teamed up with her and for days it was Riley and Lucas vs Farkle and I. We've tried to work that stuff out, even Eric couldn't help us through it. He made it worse, actually. This isn't just a fight anymore. We've all been drifting apart. Except for me. I've always kept the most loveable place in my heart for Riley and Lucas. I haven't spoken sincerely to either of them in about a month. According to Zay, Farkle's built up social anxiety because of losing Riley as a "soulmate" and Lucas as his best friend. And me, well I've been a lot worse than people have been succeeding to realize. I'm madly in love with Lucas right now. If he even were to be in the same room as me right now I'd die. The smallest gesture in the world from him would mean the world to me. I'd probably smile the entire day unless something came up and made things worse, which happens a lot actually. I miss Lucas like crazy and Riley too. Riley isn't even Riley anymore! She's a completely different person and the care she has for me is about as real as Donald Trump's chances at election. I miss them both and love them both and losing them hurts like you wouldn't believe! I've actually been thinking suicidally for quite some time now. And I'm not even kidding either. I was worried about what I'd be missing, what would happen with Girl Meets World and how Riley and them would live in a world without me and it concerned me. I feel like I need to be here to make sure things happen the right way. Then I realized it will never affect me! I'll be dead, I will not care! But I just can't leave Girl Meets World behind in a world with them! They would be letting go of the show completely if I wasn't here to hold it up. It would be gone, guaranteed. We'd all be gone. But I keep thinking I'll regret killing myself then realize I'll be too dead to regret anything. Trust me, I'm in WAY more pain than you think I am. If I was making someone else feel this bad, or had the power to change the way they feel, I would reach out to them immediately even if I had nothing in it for me and I'm dead serious about this because it hurts so bad that the smallest gesture would keep me happy for a few days! It would take maybe five minutes and make me happy for five days! I'm literally scared I'm going to kill myself. I'm thinking maybe taking multiple advils will kill me before I go to sleep but I'm refraining myself from looking it up, I'm scared that if it turns out if CAN kill me that I might actually do it! That's why I'm not looking it up because it's not painful and Advil is available to me and I could actually pull this off. So I'm not looking it up in case it really can kill me. I'm hurting like you wouldn't believe, I just want the last few hours of the day after school to be the way it used to be. I don't want Riley to talk to me at all unless she's gonna be decently normal. She's talked to me nicely today but it was so abnormal I couldn't cope with it and began hating her with my entire heart! I just want things to be the way they were. I want to at least talk to Lucas again even if we can't be like "that" anymore. I want normal Riley back, I wanna be the best supporting and loyal best friend I used to be. I miss them too much to describe. I miss the four of us being together and I just want Season 1 off-screen back. Or at least on-screen! Anything on-screen would be okay with me! Just not Season 2 off-screen because that's the way it is now and I hate it, I hate it so much! I just want this suffering to end, by death, change, anything. I just don't want it to be this way. Whatever it takes. I'm not bluffing at all. Not one bit.

So that's what my imagination is filled with now. I always imagine fake moments in my mind. What would it be like if Lucas actually confronted me? What would it be like if Riley were to be normal again? What would it be like if [this] happened right now? My mind is a world where Lucas loves me, Riarkle is Season 1 in-love again and we're all loyal as hell to each other again. Best friends. The core four. The only reason I haven't fully committed to suicide is because I still have hope. I met this guy named Shawn who gave me this thing called hope and because of that, I'm hoping that one day, things will change to the way they are in my imagination. If I knew for sure that would never happen, I just might lean on the killing myself idea. But until I know for sure, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll cut, I'll think about killing myself but still have hope that one day, for real, someone will answer "yes" for real when I ask if things are gonna get better now. Like Lucas a answered yes to that question in December and look where we are now. Guess things werent gonna get better after all. Well, I'm waiting and I guess I'll try again. Besides, what could go wrong?

Make Me Understand What I Did

Welcome back to the beautiful blog of The 99 Problems of Maya Hart! I'm not in too bad a mood, so I'm trying real hard to be positive on this post. I'm not mad, I'm just confused and that's taking a lot to recognize right now..

I don't understand anything anymore. One minute I just want Riley to be my best friend again and I'd do anything to be back to NORMAL with her (I only over-bold that because her definition of normal is more "Maya's doing everything wrong and we'll be normal if she changes. Like no honey, you're really a problem too. At least I can admit I am.) Anyway, then the next minute I just want Lucas. It's come to the point where I don't even know how I feel anymore. I want the core four back. That I know for sure. I want us all to be beyond loyal to each other and be the best friend group everyone always wished they could be. Nobody wants to be us anymore! Nobody wants to be apart of the crap going on between us! That's exactly the problem. Nobody looks up to us anymore and that crushes me. I had a really hard day today. Riley and I were discussing our crushes last night and I told her what I think. What I see, what I know. I just told her that I don't think she has a chance with this Harry person. She then told me (indirectly) that I have no chance with Lucas. The Lucas part is what was indirect. The whole me having no chance was the least indirect part about it. She literally said "he doesn't like you, he hates you and he will probably never talk to you again." The difference between what I said and what she said is, well I didn't directly comment those nasty thing so straight forwardly, even if I did think it. And two, there's a big difference in knowledge here. She knows Lucas. She knows exactly what's going between me and him and actually probably knows more than I do. Her and Harry? Cmon, she's gonna get defensive over what I have to say about it? God, I know not a thing beyond what she tells me! I don't actually know how he acts! I don't actually know how they are! I haven't once witnessed them communicating! Who am I to believe? Who on earth would take what I have to say for real?! But her, she knows what me and Lucas are and CAN accurately make a judgment on it. And if it's what she says it is, chances are I'm wasting every 11:11, every shooting star and every thought on something that's never gonna happen. I don't know her and Harry, maybe there is a chance. I don't know! She knows me and Lucas, if she says there's no chance, chances are the there's no chance. I just miss them. Both of them. I want our old friendship back with Riley. And even if Lucas never was ever gonna like me back, okay, I can deal with that. I just don't want him ignoring the life out of me anymore! I don't want to lose my friendship with him. I love him too much to be okay with that happening! I can't deal with that. Either way, I'm dead inside. I just want this to end. I'm tired of hating on them, and I'm tired of all the ignoring we do. It's like they don't care. Like they don't even want to fix things between us. Whatever it may be, it hurts real bad.. Because I love them! I do! I care about them a lot and they know it too! I've made it real clear! I'm not ugly, I'm not gross, I'm not an unpopular freak! What's wrong with me? What did I do? I just need to understand what I did. Like, why don't they like me? I care so much, they mean the world to me, I'm not repulsive! What the heck is it?! Is there something seriously wrong with me!? Like, what did I do?! Make me understand what I did. 

The 99 Billion Problems of Farkle

Yeah yeah, welcome back and stuff. I don't have the time or patience for the proper introduction to this post because I'm so angry about what's going on, the angry birds would be afraid to look at me. So I'm gonna get right to the point now, k? Yeah lemme do that now:

I'm outraged. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever been through. And frenqually, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. It's something that started out as how it usually does, and now it is completely out of hand. I was involved at first and now I've got myself together and I'm fine as fine can be now. Everyone who is anyone would know that. But then there's Farkle. Sweet, hurt, innocent little Farkle. The kid has stronger depression glands than I do! And I'm Maya! He's broken down, torn apart, devastated, betrayed, unloved and completely and utterly ignored. The things he's going through are making me cry. Me! I'm Maya! I don't cry for other people! What's even going on here! Everywhere I go is fight after fight, team after team, rival after rival, hate after hate! I'm getting absolutely tired of it! You're probably sitting here more confused than you are worried so let me tell you exactly what's going on..

As you could probably guess, Farkle and I were both madly in love with Lucas and Riley. Me with Lucas and him with Riley of course. We don't address sexuality until Season 3 I do believe. So anyway, I always believed that Farkle had a much higher chance of Riley loving him than I did with Lucas and I learned to accept that but that doesn't mean it still didn't hurt like a knife in the gut. So during Christmas break, things were slowly evolving between the four of us and the whole Lucaya vs Rucas thing was pretty big. But that entire thing died down after Christmas break ended, as did Farkle's chances with Riley. I never had a chance with Lucas so scratch that entire thing. So Riley has a crush on this kid Farkle has a death wish upon (maybe shouldn't have said that but we've got nothing to lose, so be it) and is legitimately over obsessed with him. I find it quite, well I supported it before this entire thing started and I'm now hoping it has less of a chance of working out than Lucas and I. So no chance. I hope it dies in the flaming pits of hell with us and our goddamn campfire. Which from the perspective I'm viewing it from, I don't wanna be rude but I've admitted the same thing about Farkle and Riley as well as me and Lucas. I don't think it has a chance. I don't think that stupid smart kid would ever go for that. I really don't, I was just being the supportive best friend I was supposed to be. But when one of my friends starts going into depression insanity mode, then support for the hopeless obsessive friend turns into hope for the hurt, internally and emotionally bleeding friend. So I'm 1000% with Farkle now. Before this war began, she likes both of them and showed love and affection for both of them. Nobody was hurt, therefore I supported everyone. But because there's one of our weakest members sinking into his own depression and rejection and she cares nothing at all, well let's fight, biotch. I'd love to clock her right in the head for being such a horrific excuse for a friend. So once she started liking him more, she began liking Farkle even less. And less turned into just friends which turned into what she's got for me which is "I care more about soulless animals and emotional criminals than I care about you." That's how I describe her and my friendship, and now that's how I describe her and Farkle's whatever-ship. So I hate her with the  darkest part of my pitch black soul which is entirely black for the record. And not because of what she's done to me, but because of what she's done to Farkle. I've been where he is. It sure as hell ain't fun. And I had nobody who stood up and put their life on hold to be there for me and be the voice I could never have been for myself. I'm hurting, I'm devastated and I find myself crying a lot lately. But it ain't because I feel sorry for myself. It ain't because some loser don't like me back. It's because one of my friends is feeling like a rejected and hopeless freak with no point in living. He's doing absolutely crazy things because he doesn't know how to handle this! He doesn't understand, he's never been here before! He doesn't know what he's doing, damnit! And that kid Riley's so damn obsessed with isn't going to want to be with someone who's so damn careless! No he doesn't know, but if she ever thinks she gonna get close to him at all, he'll find out if she really does have a chance with him. She doesn't care about the people who love her the most. Farkle and I are two of the strongest examples of that you'll ever know. 

Farkle loves Riley with everything he has. He loves me too and finds me as a huge value in his life, but he loves us differently. He doesn't care about me like he cares about her. Not to say he cares about her more than me, just different. He would die for her, perhaps if this goes on for a long time, he may just kill himself because of her. Not any time soon of course, he doesn't even understand the concept of suicide at this point. And that's exactly why he's so torn apart! He doesn't understand any of this, it hit him so hard and he doesn't even know why or how or any of it happened! He doesn't know anything about what he's doing! And hearing all this from me isn't going to change a thing! He lost his best friend, Lucas, who was supposed to be there for him when he's in any state like this! No matter how experienced I am with this, he would've had a way better chance of getting to Farkle than I do! And Riley is the love of his entire life! He would listen to anything she said! He wouldn't even hesitate to believe her if she was actually real, actually there for him! She's not Riley, she's not at all the person I thought she was! Lucas either! They are, ugh, I can't even! They're possibly legitimately the worst friends I could possibly ask for for Farkle. And as far as I go, I'm fine. There's nothing in my life going on that is nearly as important as what Farkle's going through right now! I'm actually fine, I'll live without any of them being there for me! I don't need them to be fine, but poor little Farkle does! You should see what he's done to his Twitter account! It's @FarkleyMinkus if you wanna check it out. Mine is @MayaPHart but it's not very interesting at the moment. Anyway, I'm furious with Riley and Lucas and I'm getting all fired up on Farkle's behalf! They're gonna leave him to emotionally kill himself and the next thing we know, he'll be completely gone! Those two are the opposite of the definition of a friend. I cannot believe they've turned into this. It was okay when she liked them both, I liked both Josh and Lucas and I didn't destroy either of them (tho none of them liked me back but that's beyond the point). My point is, Riley and Lucas are horrible whores and because of them, I might lose Farkle as a person and a friend. He'll kill himself over them, I know he will. I'm just tired of this, it makes me sick. It's absolutely disgusting. I'll continue to be there for Farkle but I don't know how much longer he can go. I'll keep trying my best, I can't do much worse than this. Thanks for reading and if you wanna know what the real them looks like, what real friendship looks like, watch Girl Meets World on Disney Channel. That's all I've got, I'm sorry.

Oh I'll Tell Ya What You Did

Hey look, it's you, you're still here. Even though that is a little pathetic, I'd like to say thank you, for being pathetic with me. I really appreciate it. So anyway, enjoy this depressing post of The 99 Problems of Maya Hart coming up in like two words or so..

As I've mentioned on one of my last posts, I have this thing where the things I think or see reguading the way my friends used to be, makes me angry and I randomly begin to hate them all. So they have the guts to ask what they did (I think it's more obvious than existence itself) and so this is for them and those who REALLY wanna know what they did wrong. Because oh they did something wrong alright. Just you wait..

Well let's start with my favourite, like for real, no sarcasm there. Farkle Minkus. I know you were expecting that and yeah, I do like him better than the other two life ruiners. So Farkle. What did he do, I wonder. Actually I know, you wonder. Well this is for Farkle in particular but would apply to anyone else if they were like him. This isn't just about how people are to me, it's about how they are in general and that's the problem with Farkle. He's a good friend to me. He's there for me, he has meaningful conversations with me and tries to help me when something is hurting me. I'm guessing you aren't seeing the problem yet unless you're one of those jerks who are included in this "friend group" we've got going and when I say going, I literally mean going. Going away! So anyway, Farkle. That's what we were talking about. He's good to me and I don't find that as much of a problem but there are people who do so it is to be addressed. Farkle is so nice to me, cares so much about me because he's forced to. He doesn't have much choice of a choice considering he feels the same exact way about (blech) Riley and Lucas. He has nobody else, neither do I. He has no choice but to care about me and help me because nobody else does. It used to be the four of us. Now that me and Farkle are all that's left that actually cares, we have to provide each other with double the support we used to be considering we lost two of our most important support systems. It's us against them. And this is the worst case scenario when it comes to groups. Farkle and I never held a soft spot for each other like we did Riley and Lucas. Farkle thinks of Lucas, how I think of Riley. And he thinks of Riley how I think of Lucas. Get it? Whether you get it or not, it makes sense, so hush. Anywho, Farkle is too focused on me as I am him so that's the problem with him. We're too together and it's not supposed to be that way. 

Ahh, now it comes to one of my least favourites of all, Lucas. I've got a thing or two to say about Lucas. Well first of all, like Farkle and I, all Lucas and Riley focus on is each other but it's not like Farkle and I at all actually. We both care about them, Farkle and I. Either of us will be there for either of them. But they ultimately chose to make us mad by going to each other when they actually HAVE a choice. They know we care far more than they do, I've said it several times. If they actually haven't realized that by now, they are the dumbest people to walk planet earth. Or any planet for that matter. Lucas only cares about Riley. I have much examples of proof that prove everything. Here's one: Riley stops smiling for half a second and he asks her what's wrong like someone just killed her entire family. And when I'm maybe bawling my eyes out, cutting my arm, jumping suicidally into pools in which I cannot swim, experiencing crazy mood swings and mind changes and he doesn't notice at all. Or he just doesn't care. Either of those work. So he doesn't care about me like he does Riley and that'll never change. And I've taken the initiative to realize that any time he questions or responds to anything I do, he's just trying to look like he cares a little bit, when I'm smart enough to realize I don't actually matter much to him at all. So that's why I'm so upset with Lucas. And not only is he hurting me, but he abandoned Farkle when he needed him. I know that because I'm now forced to act like Farkle's best friend and give him all the guy advice he needs, which for the record I'm doing an absolute terrible job at because I'm a girl! Farkle misses his best friend and might be just as hurt by Lucas as I am. I haven't taken they chance to realize how upset Farkle really is, and maybe I need to start being more aware of the fact that he's hurting too and not make our conversations all about me. So why do I hate Lucas? That's exactly why. I mean I can appreciate the fact that he doesn't like me back, fine. But I'd be much appreciative if he wouldn't randomly be nice to me a little bit than go and worship the ground Riley walks on. If you like me, awesome, maybe start acting like it and care about me when I'm hurt or scared and not just Riley. And if you don't like me, leave me the hell alone completely and do not make me feel there's a chance that you do. And if Lucas don't like me, I'd seriously appreciate it if Riley would stop trying to get Farkle away from me to be with her and have him leave me all alone. Because that's not fair, Farkle is all I have and if she's gonna steal Lucas' attention, don't take the only person I have. Because unless I'm satisfied too, Farkle ain't gonna be leaving me for her unless I have somewhere to go or someone to go to. I'm sick and tired and I'm done with this unequality in these damn romantic relationships. I'm kinda terrified to put that out there, but it needs to be said, so I'm saying it.

And then there's the last person I wanna talk about right now, Riley. My god, why am I even getting this started? She is the hell I haven't yet been to. Being with her, I feel like I'm already in hell. And I'm not even dead yet. Which reminds me, she also makes me feel like I'm dead. I wish I was dead actually. She is the farthest person from normal. Lucas is much better than she is. Let's say normal is here in New York and she is all the way in another damn galaxy. That's how far from normal she is. Especially with me. Our relationship is like we're sisters who are forced to be together and we dread every second of it. She's rude to me, she doesn't care about me at all! And I know that because she specifically said she doesn't cara about me at all! All she cares about is Farkle, her crush, her other friends from school and her hamster. That is IT! It doesn't go beyond that. And she doesn't even care about Farkle that much, to the point where he's crying to me about her. So yes, she's also hurting both me AND Farkle, just like Lucas. Farkle loves her more than she loves him, not to say she doesn't love him because I believe there's a part of her that does. But me, hell to the no. She'd cry harder if her hamster died than if I died and I'm LITERALLY LEGIT about that one. Not over-exaggerating or anything like that. She doesn't have any meaningful conversations with me and is always annoyed with me and doesn't want to be with me. Just like Lucas, she completely ignores me when I'm suffering and I've tried to apologize to her one time and she pushed me away harder than Miley rode that wrecking ball. After being rejected by her, I've never been the same and will never have the guts to apologize to her in any future fight again. I'm the last thing she cares about and I'm tired of being pushed away by her. I run away and she tweets that her mom went to find me and she's worried about her mom. Nice. Real nice. I'd prefer not to talk to her at all than to feel like there's any chance at all that we'll be normal for 5 stinking minutes. I'd rather have no relationship with her at all than the splitsville best friendship we are having right now. I hate the feeling of growing apart and I'd prefer to be completely apart than growing apart because that hurts so much more. I've always wanted to say this stuff but have never had the guts to. I'm probably going to be crying to Shawn or Farkle tonight considering they're the only two left who care and listen to a word I say. I do believe in something. I believe that this friend group that was supposed to be so strong isn't at all anymore. I'd rather it just end than continue to hurt. I'll get over it in a few years, no big deal. So that's why I'm hating on all those people, so for future reference, it's not random and it's not for no reason. It's always been the same reason. It'll always be the reason for my mood swings and mind changes. Now you know.

When It's Worse For The Better (Bullying & Abuse)

Welcome back to my pathetic life I call The 99 Problems of Maya Hart. As you can all see, I've reactivated my blog and Google+ profile (plus.google.com/MayaHart14) and I just wanted to announce to all my old viewers that I'm back. Thanks for being there for me, all of you. And now back to the show.

So the past 24 hours for me were terrible to a point that you would'nt believe. My mom has been a bit off lately, not sure why, I'm guessing she's still feeling a bit...a bit something, out of whack since my seeing my dad for the first time in 9 years. The way he left us was like extremely unexpected. He said he'd be back in an hour and just never came back. How pathetic is that. So anyway, I've been spending more time at Riley's lately because my mom just needs her space. So last night, Riley and I were with Shawn watching Girl Meets Yearbook. My mind likes to do the talking for me, so whenever I compare my life now with how it was in Girl Meets World, I realize it's not like that at all and suddenly become angry with everyone around me, though they haven't done anything in specific that they know about. One minute I'm fine with them, the next I'm angry at them because of what they are compared to what they're supposed to be, just because my mind tells me I should be mad at them, that I shoudn't just accept that terrible version of my life and live with it. So I decide not to and begin to unexpectedly hate on them, nobody can really predict when it happens. It just gets to me, that they don't treat me or each other the way they should, the way they did. It's wrong and at random points I decide not to take it. So with that said, after watching Girl Meets The New Teacher before we watched the yearbook one, I saw how it was then, realized it wasn't the way it should be and became angry at everybody but Shawn. Because not everybody is being abnormal towards me. Shawn isn't, my mom isn't (when I do see her), Farkle isn't, Zay isn't. So it just seems like everything is collpasing because it's the most important people who are doing that to me. Most of them aren't, when I think about it. Actually it's mostly Riley and sometimes Lucas who does it to me 99.9% of the time. But Riley is my best friend and I've loved Lucas for two years and we're good friends too. So it just hits me harder when it's them doing it compared to if it were Zay or Farkle. Even though Farkle is apart of the infinte friend group I loved so much, I didn't have that spot for him like I did for Lucas because I secretly liked him, and Riley because we're supposedly supposed to be best friends. So when watching Girl Meets Yearbook, Riley and I began fighting and sushing turned into yelling which turned into hitting, kicking and screaming. She kicked me about 25 times, and when I did it back, she screamed her freaking head off. Mrs Matthews came and broke it up, screamed and attacked me, not Riley. It was freaking even! She did it first, I just defended myself and I get into trouble?! They've got a terrible system going here. So then I decided to pack all my stuff and run away to the police station. As I packed, Shawn told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. He ran away as a teenager/kid too, so he'd know. I ignored his advice and left into the pitch black at 9:00 at night. Shawn followed me, fearing my safety and told me if I was going to the police station, he was not coming with me. When we got there, it was closed. CLOSED! At 5:00 on weekdays. Who closes a police station at 5? Everyone knows most crimes are committed at night! My word! So anyway, Mrs Matthews came to get me and I refused to go with her, joining Shawn again and heading to Shoppers Drug Mart to call the police there. When I got there, the people at Shoppers called 911 and the police came about a half hour later. In that half hour, I talked to the girl who was 22, she worked there and told me about her working hours and how everything works and stuff. The police guy came and took me to his car. I got to sit in the back of a police car (again) and he recorded me telling the story (for some strange reason). Then he took me back to The Matthews' because I told him I couldn't go home to my mom. He talked with Mrs Matthews and they brought me back inside for the night. After I unpacked, Farkle came over because Mr Matthews had called Minkus and told him, Farkle got worried and came to see if I was okay. I held Farkle's hand and cried as I told him the story. In the morning, everything was back to normal...well as normal as it started. They always say, it's gonna get worse before it gets better. Oh and it did.

Except it could get worse than running away and calling the police at 10 at night. At school, they didn't make it much easier for me. Science class went pretty good. I just touched up my drawings and did nothing while my friend studied. In gym class, her and I were playing badminton. I had a fight with my other "friend" (can't name names anymore) on Facebook over Christmas break, first day off of school and we didn't speak for thr rest of the break. She started it and threatened me by calling me mentally unhealthy and both of us may have said some things I cannot repeat. So in gym class today, her ball rolled over by me so I kicked it in the other direction, thinking it was the one the girls on the court were using. It wasn't. She gave me the "what the heck?!" look when I realized it was her ball. So I unintentionally offended her and I found that hilarious because I hate her anyway. So for the rest of the class, she was giving me the death stare like every minute or two and wouldn't stop looking at me. #GetALife, for one. And then she sent her friend over to talk to me about why I was so mad. Her friend told me what she said about the situation and I agreed, that is what happened, but I told her I wanted nothing to do with her ever again. I don't want to apologize, I don't want her to apologize, I don't want to even look at her again. I'm fed up with her crap and I'm done tolerating her and how she thinks she's so much better than me and sooo powerful and crap. So then for the rest of gym class, she was trying to come up to me and yell at me, I knew it. She made every chance she had to approach me and gave me like a horrifying fear for my social life and well-being, so I made it my ultimate mission to avoid her at all costs. Everytime she walked in my direction, I turned the other way or stood near the teacher. Everyone went to change, including her, and so I waited for her to get out of the changeroom before I went in because I knew she'd find that as her oppertunity to slash me while no teacher was around. When she got out, I went in and then she came back in and hungout in the changeroom, already changed. Like seriously? She stands next to me while we're fighting to show off the crap she don't have or something. Like, get away from me, I don't wanna be near you, go show off to the other sluts looking for attention like yourself, hun. I was terrified to walk down the halls from that point on, I couldn't get out of the same room as her fast enough. At lunch, I told the art teacher what had happened and she said she'd talk to the counsellor. I called Mrs Matthews and said I couldn't be in the same class with her anymore, so she oddly didn't even try to convince me to stay and came and brought me home. I couldn't take it anymore, I was finished. I had last period with her again and I couldn't do it. So that class is going on right now actually, and because she's apparently so powerful, I can't even go to class anymore. Nice. This will be dealt with on Monday. She will leave me alone or I'm going to move schools for god's sake. Which probably won't happen and they'll have her get her ugly face out of my face. My mom literally told me she's seen her before and thinks she's goddamn ugly as hell. I agree, she looks like an elf. Too bad she isn't because then I wouldn't have to see her til Christmas :D

Well anyway, my life has been a trainwreck in the past 24 hours so I hope now is when it gets better. We'll see. Thanks for reading The 99 Problems of Maya Hart and be sure to check back soon. In the meantime, watch Girl Meets World on Disney Channel!

Show No Mercy, Maya

Welcome back to the pathetic blog that is my life. I'm here right now to ultimately give up on everything reguading people. People, people, people. I can't take it no more. My friends will never be the same as we used to be. My family is a hopeless wreck. Shawn will get back together with his ex-girlfriend and my mom and me, will be my mom and me. I want my friends back. My old friends from school, that horrible girl who I messed with pretty hard yesterday, I just want her to disappear from my life. My actual friends? Well I'm finished with them. I know Lucas loves me, even if it's just as a friend, he just doesn't show it. And Farkle, well he can't show it. And don't get me started with Riley. She and I will only be the same (GMW/The MayaLife) on TV and in my dreams. They only care about me when it's in their best interest. They only hold my hand, stand by me, are positive towards me when it's in their best interest, when there's something more than being my friend in it for them. My entire social life is based off of what people can use me for. They don't care about me because I'm me. Nobody cares that I love my friends with all my heart because they're my friends and they're just them. That doesn't matter anymore, were not the same people we were on TV and we will never be again. It's horrific. I'm finished with them. I'll attempt to maybe get back in with my old friends for some comfort but I'm doubting it'll actually happen. I'm gonna repeat "I don't care" in my head as many times as it takes to convince myself that I don't need my "friends" to be happy. Maybe I'll find best friendship in Sarah possibly. She's with Darby, which might cause my plan to blow up once agai, but it's worth a dang shot, I've got not a thing to lose here no more. I just want Lucas. He's the only one who's sincerely convinced me to believe he cares about me at any given time in the past week or two. Everyone else, I never bought their cheap act. So I'm done taking being used as friendship. I'm not that low, in not that desperate and I ain't gonna take no more. I'm not gonna pretend to be friends because of anything were doing for you, because I'm not being used. I'm done with that and they've got no choice but to accept it. Nothing were doing any day will make me act like everything is okay just to come back home and it be like I was used for their own happiness on some damn trip. I'm done, unless it's real, I ain't faking happiness and friendship anymore. Maya Hart doesn't let people use her, and I ain't letting this go any further. Done done done. Enough said.

Girl Meets New Years Resolutions: The MayaLife

What you are about to witness is not for the good-of-heart but for the great-of-heart! The new-old Maya is back in the brand new adventure as of 2016! This is... The MayaLife!

Okay now let's get real here. Welcome back to the strong pathetisism I'd like to call, The 99 Problems of Maya Hart! I'd like to welcome all of you to join The 99 Problems of Maya Hart in this here journey 2016 will take me on. It's New Year's Day, and with New Years comes resolutions that absolutely nobody ever keeps. If you've ever kept a New Years resolutions, kudos to you my friend. Anywho, what I'm here to talk about today is MY New Years resolution that I am hoping for and planning on keeping overly. That resolution is The MayaLife! What is The MayaLife, you might ask? Well that is what I'm about to get into right about now...

The MayaLife. A beautiful beautiful place that I haven't lived in for a long time now. The MayaLife is kind of like Mayaville but not exactly. Mayaville is the place where I live. The place of no rules, the place of freedom, the place of darkness where you can do whatever you want. The MayaLife is the way I live my life. How o act, the things I say, what I keep inside, what I tell other people, they way I treat my friends and the way they treat me. I haven't been living The MayaLife to its fullest lately, and as of New Years I've made it my goal to do that.

The MayaLife, as we know it, is my actions, words and mindset. Well let us compare how I'm living now to The MayaLife. What EXACTLY is the way to live The MayaLife to its fullest? I've got 3 word for ya: Girl Meets World. That's tigt, exactly how I and the rest of us, do things in Girl Meets World, our reality TV show that brings inner peace to my darkened and hurt soul. I'm betting most of you have seen Girl Meets World, if not, this might be harder to follow but it's not 100% necessary to know. In GMW, I had friends. REAL friends. Friends who had my back, friends who CARED about me. I emphasize that word and you'll see why very soon. Most importantly, I had a best friend. I had Riley Matthews, the REAL Riley Matthews. The way she was on GMW. That I miss like you wouldn't believe. She's pushed me away a lot lately and we've lost most of what we had. She's been negative towards me and hasn't exactly cared about how I feel like she used to. She doesn't rely on me like she used to, she doesn't be the way she used to with me. She's got most of her love on Farkle now. All she cares about is Farkle and on those occasions, her and Huckleberry are pretty tight in terms of friendship and being there for each other. Me and her, are not the same at all. Inseparable was separated, people. I thought whenever I was hurt or anything along that line, she would be there. I've had some of the biggest cries of my life in the past week and most of the time, actually every time, she cared not at all. It was always Farkle, Shawn or even Lucas on one occasion. She just doesn't love me like she used to and that hurts like you wouldn't believe. I just want my best friend back, my OLD best friend. I don't want this new thing anymore. I want my old Riley, who would've done anything for me. Now she's replaced me with Farkle and occasionally Lucas. I know in saying "occasionally" a lot but stay with me here, the dictionary is only so big, people. I want the Girl Meets World Riley back. I miss the old her. And don't get me wrong, I ain't an angel at this game either. That's exactly what I'm getting into next ;)

Me. Maya Hart. 15 years old this January. I'd say I've grown a lot over the past year, but not as much as I was hoping to. I've changed my look and gained a little bit of hope. (You can definitely say too much hope). The point is, we've discovered a lot about me lately. I really have. Yes, I've had a brief crush on Lucas for 2 years. I kept it inside because Riley likes him. But over the past two years I thought I would get over it. But I never did. It only grew. Eventually everyone found out while we were in Texas. Now the secrets out, and I don't have to carry it around anymore. I've always thought of Lucas and Riley as brother and sister. I just didn't want to hurt her by saying it. But now that everyone knows I like Lucas, I can't keep it inside anymore. I just can't. So now there's been this huge love triangle and I've kind of been in a bad mood lately because Lucas doesn't like me and it hurts to hear him say to my face that he likes Riley like that and not me. So about 2 days ago and long before that, I haven't been able to be happy because Lucas payed no attention to me. But the one day, I was randomly able to force myself to move on. Well I still like Lucas, of course. When he touches me at all, my heart lights up. But I'm not feeling so desperate anymore. But now I have missing Riley to cause my negativity to continue and not stop as I was hoping it would when I was able to chill my desperate need for Lucas to care about me. That the thing with us now. We just don't care. Actually no. Farkle and I care very much about all of us. Riley and Lucas don't. That not apart of The MayaLife and neither is the negativity me or anyone else has been showing. I just want my friends and myself back. That's where The MayaLife lies. I'm going back to The MayaLife. Even if nobody is coming with me, I'm making me the person I used to be. That's my New Years resolution. Thanks for reading The 99 Problems of Maya Hart and be sure to check out Girl Meets World on Disney Channel!